Pursuing Passion Together, Alone

I’ve always wanted a partner who would be able to share at least one hobby. I am active with a lot of interests and it would be hard to maintain a relationship with someone who lived outside of all those worlds.

And as both a musician and fitness nut, for me the accompanying lifestyles can be really different. I have been drawn to and dated quite a few fellow musicians, having been single through my 20s-30s. But as I get older and can't pull off both late night gigs and partying along with triathlons, races and training, I've chosen to default to fitness. The occasional midnight show with my band can take me a down for a day but the north star is staying fit and healthy.

So that said, sharing the fitness hobby (vs music/art) lines up better for me and I've gratefully found a partner who loves mountain biking, and other types of cycling. Cycling together gives us a center, shared quality time, health and fitness, fun memories, shared travel goals and empowers us to see the world from a unique lens.

Now that we’ve acknowledged the benefits let’s talk about how sharing a hobby doesn't solve your relationship issues. It can actually amplify them!

I met Jason in December 2020 when I pulled up to a local trail on a first date planned through a dating app. We connected after swiping each other's pictures on bikes (Pro tip: the featured activity in your profile can really impact your date and thus relationship activities - took me a little too long to learn that with all those pictures of me in my band.)

My date was polite and handsome. He had rolled up in a lifted Toyota Sienna with a blingy Santa Cruz on the back and a bunch of tools. He fixed my air valve within the first few minutes, and I thought this was a good sign. I was a former road cyclist now enamored with mountain biking because covid did things to us.

One of our first dates - Brushy Creek

Fast forward and mountain biking became the anchor of our romance for the first two years. We took every break we could get (from our full-time work and his raising three children) to hit bike travel destinations like Sedona, Moab, Bentonville; and do local rides and enduro races. He even proposed marriage on the side of a downhill trail at Trestle.

So, yes, mountain biking has been central to our relationship from the first date. Outside of that, our lives look very different. Jason is a humble, hard working responsible father to three daughters from another relationship. I am a bon vivant, single Austinite who played in rock bands while climbing the tech career ladder, traveling the world and chasing new experiences.

While we were at first inseparable on the trails, our rides together evolved. Jason didn't always let me lead, and started waiting for me to catch up a bit less. He's a stronger, faster rider with a history of motorcycles and aggressive downhill mountain biking. He's also 6’1’’to my five feet.

This caused some stress for me as our riding time was the bedrock of our bond. While he assured me I was improving, that he didn't worry as much, that he just wanted to ride his own ride and progress his skills, it flared my doubt and insecurity about myself, my abilities and the relationship. I was realizing that Jason had ridden WAY below his abilities in service of our dating, and now what. Can we not ride together?

We took a break mid-ride one time at a point my frustration with all this left me crying on a ride after he had zoomed off again (he had waited at the end of the trail segment). We sat down and unpacked: I am slower and he is faster, and I'm riding alone when we’re supposed to be together. If we don’t have this then what do we have! 

Night riding

Does a ride need to be a metaphor for our relationship? Well, kind of, because a relationship is those pieces of our lives shared.

Shared interests can serve as catalysts for connection, but they also expose all the insecurity and vulnerability, and scripts we are using in our relationships.

After sharing our fears and our needs, we've gotten much better about negotiating our cycling needs. Jason needs to ride on Saturdays with his buddies and "act a fool" as he says, and I need to ride for fitness and endurance. We often ride separately now, even on the same ride. We communicate checkpoints. I bring my headphones (bone conduction so I can hear my surroundings!) and meet up with him for a snack. We've also procured some walkie talkies for long days at the bike park, doing different rides.

I’ve gotten better at working on throwing out the script and learning to communicate. The hobby is great, but it wasn't a shortcut to connection. It doesn’t alleviate the need to work on understanding what I need, what I can get and give in a relationship, and what I need to do for myself. There are no shortcuts, just practice. 

And my husband had to remind me, since we started skiing together in the last year, that I totally smoke him on a ski run. He hasn’t been skiing very long, but has to go through some of the same feelings as I do when we bike: slowing the other one down, fear of being left, etc. I honestly do not mind waiting on him. And I’m glad we have something that evens us out in that way. It’s a journey we are on together.